Writer's block. I have so many interesting things to discuss in this paper and for the life of me, no idea how to get them out of my mind. Better, I suppose, than having nothing at all to think of or say.

Alliteration, an apropos addition.

weak, weary, I wilt;
blundering, bumbling, being other than I am;
Sleep, which sometime shuts up sorrow's eyes,
restore my spirit, rekindle the fire, ready me to face the new day.

Yes.

Beauty.

Somehow, it seems the harder one strives to achieve this end, the more elusive it becomes. Subtle, gracious, and pleasing, though one cannot always explain what or why a thing delights the eyes. We spend ourselves in vain that we may hear this word in conjunction with our person, "beautiful". For what? For the sake of being a living work of art? A personification of some platonic form, "beauty"? To be lovely is to be loved, we are told, yet more accurate perhaps, to be lovely is to be desired. Who among us can escape the desire to be wanted, even by those we do not care for? Such vanity.

Stay thirsty, my friends!

Preface:I realize that what I'm about to write sounds excessively nerdy. (shrugs) It's true. 

I love my classes this semester. The readings are fascinating, and I can't wait to learn more about them from class. When the lectures end, I'm legitimately a bit disappointed. In my everyday existence, I try to associate things to what I'm studying. There is, I think, a great thirst in my nature to be learning, growing in knowledge. This is not at all to say that I have not done so these last nine months. But there is a unique academic environment that I have been away from and missed more than I imagined. To be fair, I have yet to complete any homework besides readings. I'm sure that by midterms, I'll be as jaded and complaining as ever. But there is a renewed desire to apply myself and glean all I can from my courses that I've never experienced to this degree. (Case in point: I was so happy today walking to my car, I remarked to one of my roommates that I must have a parking ticket on my vehicle. Upon arrival, my prophesy was confirmed. It was only a warning, but it was still quite amusing). There is also a fear in my mind that I'll become so enthralled with learning that it will become an idol (though I'm fairly certain that time may prove this not to be as much a concern as it may now seem). "Knowledge is power", or more accurately perhaps, properly applied knowledge is, but God is the source of knowledge (I could divert here, attempt to define knowledge,  truth, and other terms spinning on Ixion's wheel, but good American that I am, pragmatism reigns. God bless the USA). Knowing that our God is the wise God, and that his Word instructs us to be "wise as serpents, and innocent as doves", I press on to grow in the knowledge of him both through studying him and the world he made. 

*(yes, I know that title is the Dos Equis slogan. I'm a master bricoleur).

Ah, home.

Living off-campus is so wonderful. My roommates are sweet, the food is amazing, and the showers aren't cold. For now, that's about all that needs to be said.

Ever have that feeling?

You know, that nagging one that's telling you you're forgetting something important? Welcome to my last week.

Looking ahead to the 16+ hour drive back to school this year, it crossed my mind that if it were possible to teleport my car there, I would. It's all gorgeous mountain driving, and I really don't mind the view. It's not like the prairies where if it were legal to set your cruise, an alarm and fall asleep at the wheel, you could. (corn, corn, soy, corn corn, corn, COWS, corn, corn, corn...)  I tried to figure out the heart behind my desire to get out of the drive. Is it laziness? Fear? What it boils down to is really frustration that the world doesn't revolve around me, but that's another story. There's impatience in my heart, not content to trust that God's timing (the 16+ hours it will take my car to get there) is what is required of me. So many places in my life I find the same impatience, always wanting to be at the next stage of my life without living the one I'm in. Just wanting to be back to school. Just wanting to be done with my degree. Just wanting to be serving somewhere else, better than where I am. Just wanting to be married. The list goes on. But there's a reason that between point A (where I am) and point B (where I will be), there's a road to travel. This road, these experiences, produce perseverance. This road is a gift that I need to steward well. So I'm praying that God continues to soften my selfish heart, and remind me of his faithfulness. He  will complete what he has begun.

Sunrise.

Today, there was a particularly glorious sunrise. Something I've recently discovered is that as a result of being a nanny and not having to filter my eccentricity for nine months, I sing much more. Because my mind works by association, words remind me of other words, but more often, a word or phrase reminds me of a song. The fact that I've had this stuck in my head all day is a prime example.

Smooth and cold

scattered on the sand

begging to be thrown 

or taken home.

Your brothers and sisters

brighten the shore, 

glimmering in the evening light;

a family at peace. 

(written long ago when someone dared me to write a poem about a rock)

Pastiche

Recently, I've really felt the truth of the words, "What has been is what will be, and what has been done is what will be done, and there is nothing new under the sun". It's that sort of postmodern silence; the realization that everything we write is really just a parody, or at best a rearranging of what's already been said. But combined with the challenge of proclaiming to the next generation the glorious works of our God, it makes sense. The story repeats because there is really only one story, conceived with the creation of the world. Let's be storytellers, my friends.

Swingin' at the Donkey.

I recently was asked to do an interview for my university newspaper, "Balaam's Donkey", and had the privilege of getting to work with a dear friend. Here are some excerpts from the article (read: I'm too busy this month to sit down and write any more than I already have ). It was good to have to write in a more formal style than I typically do here, though a bit frustrating. I've grown accustomed to using the words I like to say what I want, and it's hard for me to hear/see my writing style come out in this piece. It seems a bit...well, dry, but not in a "dry humor" sort of way (if you're reading this, Michelle, I don't blame you for editing it. ;)  ). A penny for your thoughts; if it helps, play some classic big band in the background while you read: 

Devoted readers of this fine newspaper are no doubt already familiar with Joshua Aitkenhead, the VP of Spiritual Life for Ambrose Student Council. But in addition to his heart for the Lord and desire to see others grow in faith, Joshua also has a passion for spreading joy through swing dancing, and I had the privilege of hearing about how he hopes to share all three with the Ambrose community. But what is swing dancing?

Traditionally done in rotating pairs, swing is a social dance. Rather than being itself a type of dance, swing combines many dances from the 1920s through to the 1940s such as the Lindy hop, the Charleston, Blues, Balboa and Jazz dancing. While the dancers are required to hold hands, swing is comparably low contact, using open formation, as opposed to the closed formation of other more traditional social dances. The eclectic nature of the dance, the simple core step, and the steady backbeat of the music allow for significant freedom and creativity, as well as being forgiving to people who are still learning. After declining in popularity through the 1960s, swing, or neo-swing, made a comeback in urban centers in the late 1990s and seems to once again be here to stay. Calgary is no exception, and swing has also caught the interest of some Ambrose students, Joshua in particular.

Kelsey: “How long have you been dancing, and what made you decide to start?”

Joshua: “Well, I went to my first actual swing dance event last November and started taking lessons at the UofC in January. I've wanted to do swing dancing since my freshman year, but I never had anyone to go with; last year a good friend told me about this (Swing Dance Calgary) and invited me along, so I went.”

Kelsey: “Why swing?”

Joshua: “It just looked fun. Besides I do like to suit up and swing dance encourages that! Also a lot of other types of dances were just too intimate.”

Kelsey: “I have heard you are hoping to start up a Swing Dance club at Ambrose, what do you envision for this potential club, and why have one here?”

Joshua: “Well, first off, I want to spread the love of dance to the students of Ambrose.

Dancing is not only a great way to socialize and work out, but also a great way to have fun without spending a lot of money. Secondly, I want to have people see that dancing can be done as worship and can teach us about our relationship with God. I long for the days when God will lead me perfectly in a wonderful dance where I can show off His majesty without taking away what He has made me to be. Ask me how I feel when I dance.”

Kelsey: “Um...Joshua, how do you feel when you dance?”

Joshua: “I feel like I am living out a beautiful existence. I feel like I am doing something for the woman I am dancing with in that when I execute a move she ends up looking great and I am overwhelmed by the smile that appears on her face. Because it means that whatever is going on right now in her life, she is happy in that moment, and whatever is going on in my life, I am happy that I brought joy to someone else!”


Kelsey: “Why should students care about this group?”
Joshua: “Why? Students should care for a couple reasons: One, not all of us can sing and yet music is prevalent in our worship services. Sometimes I just dance in order to worship in a service (or at least bob up and down). Secondly, dancing is one of the things that are mentioned in the Bible as being a legit worship experience, but Christians often seem to say it’s wrong. I believe Jesus wants to redeem dancing to what it was supposed to be! And most importantly, it’s a lot of fun!”

The Beauty (and Bane) of Blogging

Think about it. Before this age in history, you needed to convince someone to publish you, or have the ability to do it yourself, to spread your ideas to the world. Well, that or you stood on street corners and yelled. But those people were looked down on. Rabble-rousers. Being quiet and decent was apparently not good enough for them. Even with newspapers, your voice only carries as far as the paper can (and papers come in handy for many things. Hats, brooches, pterodactyls...). Not to mention the cost of publishing. But welcome to the 21st century, where I can see updates of my friend's newborn daughter on the other side of the world while getting live updates of weather (though really, how hard can it be to be a meteorologist in Seattle? "Well, today will be between 40 and 70 F, partly cloudy with a chance of rain"). Provided I've got internet connection, which is still free at libraries in my corner of the world, I could theoretically always be communicating with this strange new online world. And in this world, any of us with a basic computer understanding can write whatever we like and send it to the masses. Our sphere of influence has suddenly increased exponentially, as well as what can have influence over us. We have truly phenomenal access to information in this age. I can search for somewhere I've never been and see pictures of each intersection I have to cross to get there, without leaving my chair and still manage to get lost driving.

Of course, the beauty is that now there's a chance to hear the stories of people who, quite frankly, are ordinary. We get to see the plain exposed in a new light, the everyday told in an unfamiliar way. There's a glorious mess of voices out there, all clamoring for our attention. So many of us writing, some to be noticed, some to promote a cause, some to vent, some to vent about those who are venting, some to complain about people who write sentences without proper structure. As Aristotle says," Democracy arises out of the notion that those who are equal in any respect are equal in all respects; because all men are equally free, they claim to be absolutely equal"; such is the view of writing. Suddenly, there is no filter on what is available, and irrelevant, irreverent writing abounds (of course, that happened long before the internet). Writing is art, and all of us who are literate, artists. Wordsmiths. Blogging just gives us another medium.

Just some thoughts. A suggestion for curing boredom: search quotes on democracy (or any subject, for that matter).

What is it about foreign things that scare Americans so? For a country populated mostly by immigrants, we seem very quickly to forget our roots. And though we have a poor grasp of our own language, we're very quick to judge other people for knowing less than we do, forgetting that it's not their native tongue. Next time you get impatient with the clerk who is mixing up her verb tenses, by all means, try speaking to her in her first language. We are a people, seeking to distance ourselves from the old world and become new, who have created a culture devoid of grace. No doubt, there is "American" culture. It has a lot to do with the concept of lifestyle. Much of the world can hardly afford to live, let alone choose what they look like while doing it. It is an immense blessing that even the poorest among us has rights, and the ability, through effort, to live and work relatively as they please (I realize this is oversimplified, but as compared to much of the world, this is true). We're just so afraid of being perceived as weird, fearful of things we don't understand and unwilling to expend any effort to explore something new. At no point in history were the greatest nations and prevailing cultures the only ones of interest, yet many Americans act as if ours is, by inherent right of being ours, the best civilization that has ever been. That we are a superpower is too obvious to contest, and I feel immensely blessed to have been born into the nation I was. Otherwise, I couldn't be complaining about it. ;) 

All this to say, I got into an interesting discussion about why I listen to foreign music. "You can't understand it, why listen?" was the main point on the opposing side. For one thing, music is sound, conveying more than merely the meaning of words. But even the words have a music to them. Words are sounds. What is poetry? Musical writing, conveying emotions. You dare to claim that music that "sounds weird" to you isn't worth listening to? Fine. Stay in your little world. But I live in a world that isn't mass produced in California and worn by obnoxious suburban white kids. A world with bizarre beauty and sweet suffering. A world where some people are just not attractive, but they are loved instead of mocked. A world where Christ came to seek and save the lost from every tribe, tongue and nation. How can we love our brothers and sisters if we totally ignore them, or worse, look down on them because they're not "like us"? Get off your western high horse and go love your neighbor. Listen to some world music, or if that's too far out, try this. My nanny kiddos absolutely love it. Seriously, it's on repeat.

How to lose weight without really trying.

Pre-meds.

 Levothyroid. I've lost 3 pounds in a week doing absolutely nothing different other than taking a daily pill*. They actually come with a warning because that's a common side effect; it makes sense really, considering it's increasing my metabolism. As annoying as it is to have to wake up, take my meds, and wait 30 minutes before eating, this is a useful side effect. Still waiting for the part where I'm not cold all the time. I have yet to know why exactly my body needs to take these in the first place, but hopefully when the lab results are back in and my ultrasound is done, I'll know what the source of the problem is. For now, it's enough to know that God's in control, and it's a nice reminder that I'm still going to die someday anyway. Thank God! Immortality on this earth would be misery beyond description.

On a completely different note, my most recent musical acquisition: the Japanese electropop group "Perfume", apparently popular among gay people in Japan (in a Lady Gaga-esque way). Yes, I know the vocals are autotuned. Yes, I have translated the lyrics, and though clean, they're not mind-blowingly deep. But they're so unashamedly cute and feminine, and it makes good background music. Blame it on the drugs. ;)






(*disclaimer: These were legitimately prescribed for me by my doctor upon discovery that I was hypothyroid. On her advice, I am taking these and carefully watching my weight)

On a way of life...and a bit of china.

Spending time away from school has given me a chance to really reflect on what I gleaned from my classes; what was helpful, what was miserable, and what I wish I had tried harder on. Ideally, it will assist me as I plan out my courses for January and will improve my school experience. I'm sure I've grown out of all my bad study habits. That's how these things work, right?  And lo and behold, in glorious retrospect, I've come to realize that the core requirements for my school are actually quite helpful (with the exception of Intro.Sociology...that was mildly interesting, but useless). Whatever your major, you need to know what's been done; study history. You need to know how to think and reason ; study philosophy. You need to know how people work and process things; study psychology. You need to communicate your thoughts effectively; study English. You need to know how the world works; study science. "Art washes away the dust of everyday life" and enables us to feel pretentious, so we study fine arts. And in the unique case of my school, you need to know the Word, so you study theology. But you don't study all these things so you can add to your pile of hats, switching between disciplines like changing clothes. Each subject adds to and completes your ensemble (with the exception of the Word...obviously of greater importance than all the wisdom of the world). Besides that, it's a helpful image for me of how learning should be complementary. Having to grapple with opposing ideas and theories, learning how to allow for individual difference, and realizing just how enormous the world is and how small you are, really changes your perspective. 

Speaking of feeling small...On my never-ending quest for sea glass, I was beach combing and found this bit of porcelain. Who dropped a dish, when? Did it get thrown overboard? Has anyone else found this, or is it the first time it's washed up? This rectangular piece of stone with random metal in it. What IS it. Who knows if I'll ever know? It's probable I'll never figure it out. But God not only knows, he wrote their stories. Every stone on that beach, every creature skipping in the seaweed, every molecule of water. How can that not be mindblowing? Author of creation. Easy to say, but impossible to fathom. Everything that is, from the natural world, to what we've "created" is known and sovereignly directed by God, the epitome of holism. Want to be well-balanced? Become like Him. 

Yes, it's a dated music video, but I love the song. There are few artists I know who possess such technical skill and achieve such success while retaining a poet's soul and love of exploring new (and in Sting's case, old) types of music. I will listen to his Christmas album year round without shame. One of many artists I wish was saved, because he would make the best worship songs ever. 

Retrospect: backward thinking at its best.

I wish I could have captured the smell too...nothing like a misty morning rose. 

Ironically enough, I've been neglecting my blog, not because I have nothing to say, but because every time I sit down to write, a million disconnected thoughts swirl around wanting to be communicated. I end up staring at the screen trying to summarize my mental millieu and realizing that I ought to sleep.What is there left to be said that hasn't been already? What do I have to add? Nothing. And that's ok. Besides, most people have no concept and history and haven't read any classics. They'll never realize that my writing is unoriginal. ;)

I started this blog in 2008 because frankly, I was bored and needed a creative outlet. Now that two years have passed, it's interesting to look back at how my life has changed, to see how God's worked in my life and family in ways I'd never have imagined or chosen. In retrospect, all my experiences have been preparing me for where I've been led, without fail. You'd think there was some sovereign God graciously foreordaining my life or something.

In all my musings, it was interesting to see the role music has played in my life, how certain artists were on repeat in certain seasons, or even how much easier it is for me to remember lyrics to hundreds of songs than the current ages of my family. Recently, I've discovered a rather logical link between what I listen to prior to going to bed and what I wake up thinking about. The odds are fairly good that if I listen to a song, I'll wake up with it running through my head, even if I don't fall asleep thinking about it (the only exception is Linkin Park...for some reason, they seem to be my default mental soundtrack. Beats me).

...and, the point of this post. Right. The past matters, the present is important, and we need to be proactive about the legacy we're leaving. The people in your life right now are the people that God has put there. The ones that annoy you, the ones you love, the ones you admire, the ones you always feel awkward around, the weird relatives, they're the neighbors you're called to love ( Luke 10: 27). And I feel sorely that I have not been the mirror of Christ that I ought to have been to the people in my life. It's so tempting to live in the moment and keep telling myself that I'll go evangelize and love everyone when I've got the time, or when I'm fully trained (whenever that happens). But I already have the gospel. I have a heartbeat. That's enough. And I don't necessarily need to go to the ends of the earth, I may just be called to go to the end of my street. They need Jesus too! But it's too familiar, too close to home, for me to recognize it for the opportunity it is. So see the opportunities God's given you in your life and be a doer. Soak in the glorious gift of his word and be refreshed, hear his promises and testify to how he's been faithful in your life. What higher calling is there?

When painting and calligraphy are combined, it's fairly easy to view a work and imagine you could do better. By all means, please do so. So often I see or hear of something and find myself mentally improving on it. This is one of the beauties of living in a highly creative area; it brings out a sort of competitive side to typically mellow artist-types. And with the internet, you don't even have to live anywhere near anyone else to feel that pressure to create something better, just because you can. 

Though I wouldn't call myself a perfectionist, I do fairly constantly feel a desire to "fix" things (though I'm not sure how else a perfectionist is defined). I tend towards the mentality that everything can (and therefore should) be beautiful as well as functional. For example, food is necessary for life, but more appetizing if aesthetically pleasing. Hence the whole premise of Epicute. One really doesn't have to spend too much time with a person to know where they stand on this. It's a spectrum, as many things are, and the Japanese do a laudable job of balancing the concepts of beauty and functionality in essentially all aspects of their culture. Our God created a world of beauty, full of things that don't need to be. Really, none of this needs to be. But it is. It has reason and purpose, merely by existing. The world looks different through that lens. If we really believe that even "mistakes" have beauty, how do we treat people who, frankly, are unattractive to society? Can we see the wonder in creation? Will we stop trying to manicure our lawns and let them reflect the climate we live in? (sorry, pet peeve)

To summarize, musing and ranting late at night on a caffeine-free day makes for posts that follow meandering trains of thought.

In the month, I've suddenly been prone to burst into tears in the midst of conversations. On average, it happens at least half a dozen times a week. I have no idea why. As usual, I blame hormones/sleep deprivation/something in my eye, etc. But God is good. And sovereign over whatever thing it is that makes me cry this time, from talking about child abuse, to hearing some beautiful music. It's a hearty blow to my pride, because let's face it: crying just looks weak. It shows my failure to control my emotions in the socially appropriate way I'd prefer. If someone asks me if I'm alright, I might actually have to explain what's going on instead of being able to convince them that "I'm fine".  The ironic part, most of the time, I actually am fine, I'm just having a moment. Guess that's what living with girls does to you.  =)